Some[gab1] people think that air travel creates a great deal of pollution and consumes a considerable amount of fuel resources[gab2] . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons and examples from your own personal experience.
The booming aviation industry has brought significant changes to our lives over the[gab3] past few decades. Yet, this raises certain issues as to whether air travelling leads to serious pollution and considerable consumption of fuel resources or not. Although there are certain valid arguments to the contrary, I personally believe that the contamination and fuel depletion in aviation is not crucial. Two of the principal reasons for my position are as follows.[gab4]
First of all, it is an indisputable fact that aviation has revolutionised the way of transportation. Despite the risksof contamination and fuel depletion brought[gab5] by the aviation economyindustry, a large amount of fuel consumed by the aircrafts each year has generated contaminants like nitrogen dioxide and carbon dioxide exacerbating the El Nino effectswhich is a phenomenon that considerably increases worldwide average temperatures; but[gab6] a large number of the populations[gab7] still can acquire advantages from it. This incredibly useful and powerful tool of transportationfacilitates both civil transportation and global trade.
However, perhaps the strongest argument in favour of encouraging aviation transportation is that stopping the air economy[gab8] it may not reduce the concentration of pollution. It is an undeniable fact that the emission of nitrogen dioxide and carbon dioxide from aviation only contributes a smallpercentage of total emission in comparison with factories which emits[gab9] much more toxic chemicals such as methane and sulphur dioxide. Furthermore, reducing air travelling[gab10] will only encourage road transportion[gab11] ,transportation and there is no certainty that road travelit will reduce by any amount toxical[gab12] such toxic emissions. (will reduce the amount of…)
By way of[gab13] In conclusion, in reality, admittedly,[gab14] overcoming the environmental issues is unlikely to happen in the near future. However, given the seriousness of the problems,the transportation system causes,[gab15] I believe thatthe green alternative energy exploration should be the ultimate goal.
Assessment:
Task Response: the examiner is looking for 4 things: · Answer to all parts of the task (you covered all keywords, both topic key words and goals keywords) · Present a clear position throughout the essay (state your position in the introduction, explain in detail this position in the body, and reiterate this position in the conclusion) · Extend support main ideas/topic sentences (includes language that tell you to support ideas, appropriate tones and viewpoints, and examples from experience) · Write enough words (should be at least 150 for task 1 and 250 for task 2, should not be wordy) | 6
Ø Addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
Ø Presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or irrelevant to the given topic
Ø Presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear |
Cohesion and Coherence: the examiner is looking for 3 things: · Paragraphing (has a clear topic sentence or main idea which should be the first sentence; with enough details and examples; with closing sentence) · Logical organization of the essay (main ideas should be progressing meaning one paragraph is linked to the others especially to the central idea or position in the introduction) · Cohesive devices need to be used well (sentences should be linked smoothly to each other, the easiest way to do this is with conjunctive adverbs, but there are better ways like repetition of key phrase/words, synonyms, pronouns, sentence patterns) | 6
Ø Arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
Ø Uses cohesive devices effectively but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
Ø May not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
Ø Uses paragraphing but not always logical |
Lexical Resource: the examiner is looking for 4 things: · Range of vocabulary (uses less common words, words used precisely, minimal repeated words, not wordy) · Spelling (frequency of error) · Collocation (word combination makes sense, not just one correct word but a group of correctly related words) · Word families (words are in the correct form, correct parts of speech) | 5
Ø Uses an adequate range of vocabulary but some words were used repetitively
Ø Attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
Ø May make noticeable errors in spelling and formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader
|
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: the examiner is looking for 4 things: · Accuracy of grammar (how many sentences are error free, what kinds of mistakes were committed, accuracy of simple and complex grammar, ) · Range of grammar (uses more complex structures, sentences are clearly organized) | 6
Ø Uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
Ø Makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication |
Revision:
The changes you find here are only grammatical and mechanical. Any change in content is for you to incorporate. Ideas set in bold, highlighted or marked (if any) are the ones that need to be improved, developed or changed.
Edited by Gab J
Some people think that air travel creates a great deal of pollution and consumes a considerable amount of fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons and examples from your own personal experience.
The booming aviation industry has brought significant changes to our lives over the past few decades. Yet, this raises certain issues as to whether air travelling leads to serious pollution and considerable consumption of fuel or not. Although there are certain valid arguments to the contrary, I personally believe that the contamination and fuel depletion in aviation is not crucial.
First of all, it is an indisputable fact that aviation has revolutionised the way of transportation. Despite the risks by the aviation industry, a large amount of fuel consumed by the aircrafts each year has generated contaminants like nitrogen dioxide and carbon dioxide exacerbating the El Nino effectswhich is a phenomenon that considerably increases worldwide temperatures; but a large number of the population still can acquire advantages from it. This incredibly useful and powerful tool of transportationfacilitates both civil transportation and global trade.
However, perhaps the strongest argument in favour of encouraging aviation transportation is that stopping it may not reduce the concentration of pollution. It is an undeniable fact that the emission of nitrogen dioxide and carbon dioxide from aviation only contributes a smallpercentage of total emission in comparison with factories which emit much more toxic chemicals such as methane and sulphur dioxide. Furthermore, reducing air travel will only encourage road transportation and there is no certainty that it will reduce such toxic emissions.
In conclusion, in reality, overcoming the environmental issues is unlikely to happen in the near future. However, given the seriousness of the problems,I believe that the green alternative energy exploration should be the ultimate goal.
[gab1]This should not be indented
[gab2]It’s the fuel that is consumed, not the resources; fuel resources are: wind, fossil, biomass, water, geothermal, etc.
[gab3]the (definite article) – used as function word to indicate that a following noun is definite or has been previously specified
[gab4]wordy; unnecessary; this could be applicable if you stated the reasons, like:
“my position are as follows: 1….. and 2…. “
[gab5]Repetitive
[gab6]But (conjunction) - used to introduce something contrasting with what has already been mentioned
[gab7]No need to pluralize this since “a large number of” indicates many of something
[gab8]Repetitive; avoid this by (substitution) using synonyms and pronouns
[gab9]Incorrect subject-verb agreement;plural nouns (factories) deserve plural verbs
[gab10]Travelling – verb;
Travel – noun/verb
[gab11]Misspelled
[gab12]Redundant; wrong term used (toxical); toxic – adjective; there isn’t such term as “toxical”
[gab13]"by way of conclusion" is quite formal, although By way of is often used when whether the offering meets the requirements or not is debatable
As in:
By way of reading material, the owner of the yacht had furnished himself with all 233 of Jeffrey Archer's finest novels.
[gab14]Redundant
[gab15]Wordy yet irrelevant
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