中澳移民留学

G类TASK2：　　computer games are popular with children in all ages and nationalities.  Parents may think they have little educational values and can have harmful effects. What\'s your opinion

Without doubt technologies have come a long way.  Accessing computer games in this new age is easier than ever as computers are no longer the only means,with smart phones, smart televisions and the likes having the same capabilities.  Conventional parents are horrified with this development and have claimed that these games often do more harm than good and with very limited educational[ak1] values.  I must disagree with this belief believe[ak2] .

Computer games come in various forms and categories.  Some are violent, whereas others have massive educational values.  If parents supervise their children properly, help in choosing the right game for their children, it will actually be extremely beneficial.  For example, a strategic computer game will require children to plan ahead in order to move up a level or complete completing[ak3] a task.  This will help children with their problem solving skills.  Parents can also be involved in providing ideas and solutions which will no doubt build a stronger family bond.

Critics have highlighted similarities on some crimes closely linked to certain computer games[ak4] .  I do believe these crimes might have been influenced by the games,[ak5] however,supressing compressing [ak6] children will only lead to their urge in exploring this area without proper supervision.  The key to this is proper parental supervision.

As a conclusion,I must say computer games can be very beneficial for children when they are properly supervised by parents.  Letting children explore and learn from them at a young age will likely prevent them from exploring them unsupervised at a later stage.

Task Response:   8

Coherence and Cohesion:   7.5

Lexical Resource:   7

Grammatical Range and accuracy:  6.5

Hello.                             

This is a commendable effort, with many opportunities for improvement.

For task achievement, your main points are valid and your arguments are sound.

For grammar, there are significant lapses in construction, mainly regarding the use of verbs and modifiers.

Be careful with your word choices. Make sure they accurately and appropriately convey the idea being expressed. For example, ‘compress’ means to press of flatten, which would not apply to the idea of keeping children from using computers.

Guide for improve phrasing:

     “Critics have highlighted similarities on some crimes closely linked to certain computer games.”

As used in this context, ‘similarities’ and ‘closely linked’ have the same function in the sentence, so using them both will be redundant. This may be corrected in two ways:

     “Critics have highlighted similarities between some crimes and certain computer games.”

and,

     “Critics have highlighted that some crimes are closely linked to certain computer games.”

Keep working hard to improve.

Good luck.

-kristb.

Edited

Without doubt technologies have come a long way.  Accessing computer games in this new age is easier than ever as computers are no longer the only means, with smart phones, smart television and the likes having the same capabilities.  Conventional parents are horrified with this development and have claimed that these games often do more harm than good and with very limited educational values.  I must disagree with this belief.

Computer games come in various forms and categories.  Some are violent, whereas others have massive educational values.  If parents supervise their children properly, help in choosing the right game for their children, it will actually be extremely beneficial.  For example, a strategic computer game will require children to plan ahead in order to move up a level or complete a task.  This will help children with their problem solving skills.  Parents can also be involved in providing ideas and solutions which will no doubt build a stronger family bond.

Critics have highlighted similarities between some crimes and certain computer games.  I do believe these crimes might have been influenced by the games; however, supressing children will only lead to their urge in exploring this area without proper supervision.  The key to this is proper parental supervision.

As a conclusion, I must say computer games can be very beneficial for children when they are properly supervised by parents.  Letting children explore and learn from them at a young age will likely prevent them from exploring them unsupervised at a later stage.

 [ak1]This should be an adjective modifier for the noun ‘values’

 [ak2]‘Believe’ is a verb; this sentence needs a noun

 [ak3]This should be in grammatical parallel to ‘move up’

 [ak4]Improve phrasing

 [ak5]This should be a semicolon; observe proper use of punctuation

 [ak6]Use appropriate word; suggestion inserted