Some people claim that competitive sports could bring different ages and cultures together, such as football. Others believe competitive sports cause some problems to groups and nationalities. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Competitive sports have been serving as a unifying force between people from different age groups and cultural backgrounds. On the other hand, however, competitive sports, because of the its inborn[Altar1] nature of the competition, it[Altar2] may also involve disagreement and conflicts. [Altar3] In the this[Altar4] essay, I would like to explore different aspects of these sports.
Sports have been playing the role of unifying people with different ages and cultures. It is more likely for people to become friends because of their common love for one particular competitive sport, easing the difference between various age groups and promoting empathy and compassion. A young man, for example, may mix relate with someone who has reached his twilight years because of their shared passion for golf. Also, competitive sports unite people from totally different countries and nationalities. Take the Olympics for example. Athletes that lived far apart may come into contact with[Altar5] from around the world would get the chance to meet each other during such events. Because of the Game and this, they can gain better understanding of each other better one another. The audience, meanwhile, may find themselves in a more in common situation with one another if they happen to admire the same sports star.
Because of the heated intense[Altar6] nature of the[Altar7] competitive sports, however, disagreement and conflicts may also occur. If individuals are unhappy or outraged by the performance of one team, they may display their anger towards both the team and their supporters of the team[Altar8] . The fights and arguments between fans and supporters of different football teams which we have already witnessed in the past served serve as vivid illustration examples[Altar9] . It may also fuel the bias and prejudice that they may have against one particular culture or group, further widening the gap between each other.
In conclusion, competitive sports can be both cohesion a cohesive[Altar10] force and sources a source of conflict. We need to further promote the positive role of these sports while being cautious about the possibility of escalation of conflicts conflict. involved in heated environment
Task Response: 7
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Lexical Resource: 7
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Hi student writer!
This composition earns an estimated score of 6. You were able to respond to all parts of the task quite well. You were also able to support your ideas quite clearly. But keep in mind that there are words when used inappropriately may change the whole meaning of the sentence or, worse, confuse your reader. You have a good command on the use transitional words or phrases but make sure to ease up on the use of punctuation marks in a single sentence. You also need to work on broadening your vocabulary so that you would be able to choose the correct words to describe or explain exactly what you want to write or say.
Getting a band score of 7.0 or even higher is NOT IMPOSSIBLE for this task. But of course you need to work hard for that. Lucky for you there are some neat tricks and pointers which I can teach you as we go on through our writing-editing exercise. You can read about my comments on how to write your essay better. Using this as your reference, you should be able to write a lot better. The main idea is to read-write- read-write- read-write- read-write- read-write- read-write.
You are on your way to becoming a good writer. Keep writing!
Teacher Altar ^_^
Revision:
Competitive sports have been serving as a unifying force between people from different age groups and cultural backgrounds. On the other hand, because of the nature of the competition, it may also involve disagreement and conflicts. In this essay, I would like to explore different aspects of these sports.
Sports have been playing the role of unifying people with different ages and cultures. It is more likely for people to become friends because of their common love for one particular competitive sport, easing the difference between various age groups and promoting empathy and compassion. A young man, for example, may relate with someone who has reached his twilight years because of their shared passion for golf. Also, competitive sports unite people from totally different countries and nationalities. Take the Olympics for example. Athletes from around the world would get the chance to meet each other during such events. Because of this, they can gain better understanding of one another. The audience, meanwhile, may find themselves in a more common situation with one another if they happen to admire the same sports star.
Because of the intense nature of competitive sports, however, disagreement and conflicts may also occur. If individuals are unhappy or outraged by the performance of one team, they may display their anger towards both the team and their supporters. The fights and arguments between fans and supporters of different teams which we have already witnessed in the past serve as examples. It may also fuel the bias and prejudice that they may have against one particular culture or group, further widening the gap between each other.
In conclusion, competitive sports can be both a cohesive force and a source of conflict. We need to further promote the positive role of these sports while being cautious about the possibility of conflict.
[Altar1]Inborn means present from birth or natural to a thing. It is redundant when used with the word nature.
[Altar2]Learn how to use pronouns to avoid overuse of words.
[Altar3]The sentence was good but you just have to refrain from using too many commas when you can write it as simple as this.
[Altar4]The pronoun this is the correct word to use. This is used to indicate a person, thing, idea, etc., as present, near, just mentioned...
[Altar5]This sounds unnatural when used this way. You must learn how to use more appropriate words.
[Altar6]This is just a matter of using the more appropriate word.
[Altar7]You may use the word the only if you are referring to a particular competitive sports.
[Altar8]You must learn how to use pronouns when needed.
[Altar9]Always simplify your words as much as you can.
[Altar10]Cohesion is a noun while cohesive is an adjective. The latter is the correct word to use.
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