中澳移民留学

A类TASK2：　　Governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move from large  cities to regional areas. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, with world population continuing to grow and hitting seven billions[ak1] ,[ak2] several cities in the world have has[ak3] had encountered [ak4] massive housing shortages and congestions due to lack of land.  One potential solution proposed by governments is to encourage businesses and industries to relocate to regional [ak5] landsto allow more room within the urbanareas. I believe this initiative will have a negative impact on the environment,and on top will not achieve what the governments are trying to achieve.

Moving corporations to other regions regional will no doubt free up land they’ve occupied in the cities.  However,based on history, humans[ak6] always have the tendency to move close to work opportunities.  This behaviour definitely will lead to the creation of new cities or even satellite cities,and the cycle of problems circle of issues will continue,albeit solving the original issues.[ak7] 

Furthermore,for those opting to remain in the existing cities, travelling to and from work will be a nightmare.  Not only the distance chewing up precious travelling time, pollution from motor vehicles[ak8] will be enormous,let alone the massive amount of lands needed in building roads and possibly rail to connect the two places.[ak9] 

In short, the idea might be of sound to start off with, but looking it from a different perspective it is more counterproductive. To me, this will only shift the problem that we’re facing from one area to a different area.  I believe that as soon as its counterproductive effects are produced as the counterproductive this initiative will produce[ak10] , the disadvantages willoutweighout weight any short term advantages it might gain.

Task Response:    7.5

Coherence and Cohesion:     6.5

Lexical Resource:     6

Grammatical Range and accuracy:  6

Hello.                             

This is a commendable effort, with many opportunities for improvement.

For grammar, your previous task was more accurate.

“… to relocate to regional “

This phrase is incorrect because ‘regional’ is an adjective that needs a noun to modify or describe, but there is no noun in this phrase. The ways to correct this is to either add a noun, or change this adjective into a noun.

Observe proper use of punctuation, especially for adverbs used as cohesive devices to open a paragraph. Punctuation is one of the basic requirements for writing in the English language. This must be strictly adhered to at all times, even if your test is handwritten.

“Let alone”is used to present an even lesser possibility from the idea previously presented.

         “He can’t even ride a bicycle, let alone drive a motorcycle.”

You used it in the essay to reinforce the same idea that lands needed in building roads will chew up massive time and will be enormous.

For task achievement, your points are valid and your arguments are sound.

Keep working hard to improve.

Good luck.

-kristb.

Edited

Nowadays, with world population continuing to grow and hitting seven billion, several cities in the world have encountered massive housing shortages and congestions due to lack of land.  One potential solution proposed by governments is to encourage businesses and industries to relocate to regional lands to allow more room within the urban areas. I believe this initiative will have a negative impact on the environment, and on top will not achieve what the governments are trying to achieve.

Moving corporations to other regions will no doubt free up land they’ve occupied in the cities.  However, based on history, humans always have the tendency to move close to work opportunities.  This behaviour definitely will lead to the creation of new cities or even satellite cities, and the cycle of problems will continue, albeit solving the original issues.

Furthermore, for those opting to remain in the existing cities, travelling to and from work will be a nightmare.  Not only will the distance chew up precious travelling time and pollution from motor vehicles will be enormous, but the amount of lands needed in building roads and possibly rail to connect the two places will be massive, as well.

In short, the idea might be sound to start off with, but looking it from a different perspective it is more counterproductive. To me, this will only shift the problem that we’re facing from one area to a different area.  I believe that as soon as its counterproductive effects are produced, the disadvantages will outweigh any short term advantages it might gain.

 [ak1]This is an exact number; delete ‘s’

 [ak2]Observe proper use of punctuation for grammar, coherence and cohesion

 [ak3]This verb refers to the plural noun ‘cities’ and should also be plural

 [ak4]This should only be in the perfect tense

 [ak5]Incomplete idea; suggestion inserted

 [ak6]The verb ‘have’ is plural, but this noun is singular

 [ak7]Idea not clear: Do you mean the old problems will be solved, but new ones will be created? Improve phrasing; suggestion inserted

 [ak8]It should be assumed that there are more than one vehicle causing pollution

 [ak9]Improve phrasing for grammar, coherence and cohesion

 [ak10]Improve phrasing; suggestion inserted