中澳移民留学

Topic: the population is more and more diversified. Why is the case? is it a positive or negative development?

The 21^st century is characterized as an epoch with great population mobility. It is not uncommon quite common[pierrie1]  in cosmopolitan cities areas to see people of different colors wearing different styles of cloths clothing [pierrie2] and speaking exotic languages. There are many reasons leading that lead to the a diversified population, a bigger chunk of which will be discussed in the following paragraphs. [pierrie3] 

First, an increasing number of students further their education in other countries, especially in European and American countries [pierrie4] which boast some of the most time-honored and renowned universities. Actually, it’s becoming a conspicuous trend in some Asian countries that many high school students start to pursue overseas[pierrie5]  education. Moreover, some international companies, in the hopes of developing their overseas market, assign highly experienced and skillful employees abroad to foreign locations. These elitists are very talented people who will run or are running new businesses[pierrie6]  there. What’s more, some countries, such as Canada and New Zealand that are plagued by an aging population, welcome skillful immigrants. The Americas have long been named as the a “melting pot” or “salad bowl”, referring to their mixed population.

I believe it is overall a positive trend once we look at the big picture[pierrie7] . For the international students, they are able to be acquainted acquaint themselves with the most advanced science and technology academic resources and facilities [pierrie8] and they can later on devote their harnessed skills to the development of their own countries after graduation. Furthermore, a multicultural environment facilitates mutual understanding between businessmen individuals [pierrie9] from different countries. However, we should not neglect the fact that some youngsters, admiring the advanced life style modern lifestyles[pierrie10] , gradually lose confidence in their own culture and may suffer from a lack of the sense of belonging.

To sum up, international students and businessmen who are traveling go [pierrie11] to other countries for different reasons, as well as immigrants, all contribute to a more diversified world. Though such situation has its obvious downsides, its advantages are more far-reaching and are worth supporting.[pierrie12] 

Task Response:  6

Coherence and Cohesion:  6.5

Lexical Resource:  6

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5.5

Hi. Your essay earns an estimated score of 6. This would have earned a higher score if you were able to address not only one but two of the issues in question:

1. Why is population diversified – you      were able to answer this.

2. Is it a positive or negative trend      –look at your conclusion.

Though you were able to tackle both in the body of the essay, remember that a conclusion to a significant extent serves as a summary of what you have discussed.

Keep practicing. J

--pierrie

Edited Version:

The 21st century is characterized as an epoch with great population mobility. It is quite common in cosmopolitan areas to see people of different colors wearing different styles of clothing and speaking exotic languages. There are many reasons that lead to a diversified population, a bigger chunk of which will be discussed in the following paragraphs.

First, an increasing number of students further their education in other countries, especially in European and American countries which boast some of the most time-honored and renowned universities. Actually, it’s becoming a conspicuous trend in some Asian countries that many high school students start to pursue overseas education. Moreover, some international companies, in the hopes of developing their overseas market, assign highly experienced and skillful employees to foreign locations. These elitists are very talented people who will run or are running new businesses there. What’s more, some countries, such as Canada and New Zealand that are plagued by an aging population, welcome skillful immigrants. The Americas have long been named as a “melting pot” or “salad bowl”, referring to their mixed population.

I believe it is a positive trend once we look at the big picture. For the international students, they are able to acquaint themselves with the most advanced academic resources and facilities and they can later on devote their harnessed skills to the development of their own countries after graduation. Furthermore, a multicultural environment facilitates mutual understanding between individuals from different countries. However, we should not neglect the fact that some youngsters, admiring the modern lifestyles, gradually lose confidence in their own culture and may suffer from a lack of the sense of belonging.

To sum up, international students and businessmen who go to other countries for different reasons, as well as immigrants, all contribute to a more diversified world. Though such situation has its obvious downsides, its advantages are more far-reaching and are worth supporting.

 [pierrie1]Double negative.

 [pierrie2]Use the plural form and use a better word for “clothes”.

Cloths are just the fabrics and are not necessarily the clothes or clothing of people. J

 [pierrie3]Use a better sentence structure to effectively transition to the next paragraph.

 [pierrie4]Missing preposition to indicate location.

 [pierrie5]“Overseas” as an adjective is written as such.

 [pierrie6]Indicate a current or future action. Also, use the plural form.

 [pierrie7]The use of overall sounds too stiff. Revise sentence presentation.

 [pierrie8]You don’t only study science and technology abroad.

 [pierrie9]One of the elements of the topic is not businessmen but rather people in general.

 [pierrie10]Word choice and write together.

 [pierrie11]Travelling and travel in their connotative meanings are quite different. Travelling is more suited when describing tourists. J

 [pierrie12]You only gave the reasons but failed to state if such is a positive or negative development.