中澳移民留学

An increasing number of people are changing their careers. What are the reasons? Do you think it is positive or negative?

There is no doubt that everyone desires an occupation which is fun, stable,[Ramon Nav1] _flexible and also offers a decent income. As the world evolves rapidly, more and more people are seeking new opportunities to fulfill their needs. However, from my perspective, the consequences may somewhat be beneficial to the individual but may not be as pleasant to the society.

In the last two decades, along with the technology advancements, so are people’s minds widened. The invention of [Ramon Nav2] the internet has a tremendous impact on the global interactions and information exchanges. With the influence of international famous [Ramon Nav3] super_stars[Ramon Nav4] , such as Madonna and Michael Jackson, quite a significant number of people are attending musical and performing classes in the hope of creating another [Ramon Nav5] achieving stardom. People are overwhelmed with their success, fortune and fame. For instance, [Ramon Nav6] Mariah Carey was a restaurant waitress at the time she was discovered by a [Ramon Nav7] star hunter talent scout. In addition, some family issues may also be the cause of [Ramon Nav8] a new career-switching hunting. To give an example, due to the tasks of nurturing babies, new mothers are required to switch to less demanding jobs, [Ramon Nav9] maybe like one with less traveling and/or less over_times.

Given the reasons above, an analysis can be shown. [Ramon Nav10] By switching careers, People may acquire great satisfaction financially or a sense of accomplishment. But apart from the mere personal contentment, a broader picture has to be brought into our sight too. If our valuable teachers, [Ramon Nav11] policemanmen and creative inventors [Ramon Nav12] scientists, to name a few—yield their profession for a more salary competitive financially rewarding field., There will be a shortage of necessary [Ramon Nav13] community providers professionals in many key areas of society. This imbalance will put a burden on [Ramon Nav14] the society every citizen of this nation.

To sum up, due to the competitive work environment and constantly changing personal needs, more and more people are changing their professions. While individuals may experience a favorable outcome, but there are some drawbacks that the our [Ramon Nav15] policy_makers need to take into account to sustain a social harmony.

Task Response:                        6.5

Coherence and Cohesion:                   6

Lexical Resource:                    6

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:    5.5

Average Score:                        6

Comments & Suggestions:

1.     You have a distinct writing style which is a hallmark of good writing. Despite some grammatical lapses here and there, this is a nice essay.

2.     I just noticed there are a bit too many ideas presented in your work. To achieve balance in your writing, organize your thoughts more and break down the ideas you'd like to present into several statements. Don't try to put a whole lot of information in one sentence. Remember to KISS: Keep It Short & Simple.

3.     You’re vocabulary is okay and you are able to incorporate not commonly used words in your work, but sometimes they're not used in the proper context. I noticed there are words and phrases that you used which are not the best ones to use given the situation. Still the best way to correct this is to keep on reading articles and/or books written by professional writers. Take particular note of how they use certain words and phrases to say what they mean.

4.     Please go over the comments above for more detailed notes on specific areas that you need to work on to improve your writing.

Good Luck!

~T. Nico~

Edited Version:

There is no doubt that everyone desires an occupation which is fun, stable, flexible and also offers a decent income. As the world evolves rapidly, more and more people are seeking new opportunities to fulfill their needs. However, from my perspective, the consequences may somewhat be beneficial to the individual but may not be as pleasant to the society.

In the last two decades, along with the technology advancements, so are people’s minds widened. The invention of the internet has a tremendous impact on global interactions and information exchange. With the influence of international famous superstars such as Madonna and Michael Jackson, quite a significant number of people are attending musical and performing classes in the hope of achieving stardom. People are overwhelmed with their success, fortune and fame. For instance, Mariah Carey was a restaurant waitress at the time she was discovered by a talent scout. In addition, some family issues may also be the cause of career-switching. To give an example, due to the tasks of nurturing babies, new mothers are required to switch to less demanding jobs, like one with less traveling and/or overtime.

Given the reasons above, an analysis can be shown. By switching careers, people may acquire great satisfaction financially or a sense of accomplishment. But apart from mere personal contentment, a broader picture has to be brought into our sight too. If our valuable teachers, policemen and scientists, to name a few—yield their profession for a more financially rewarding field, there will be a shortage of necessary professionals in many key areas of society. This imbalance will put a burden on every citizen of this nation.

To sum up, due to the competitive work environment and constantly changing personal needs, more and more people are changing their professions. While individuals may experience a favorable outcome, there are some drawbacks that our policymakers need to take into account to sustain a social harmony.

 [Ramon Nav1]Why is there no space here? Please be careful in typing.

 [Ramon Nav2]Review the use of articles (a, an, the)

 [Ramon Nav3]“Superstar” is written as just one word

 [Ramon Nav4]No need for a comma here

 [Ramon Nav5]“Achieving” is a more appropriate term here

 [Ramon Nav6]Make sure to get proper names right

 [Ramon Nav7]People who look for stars-in-the-making are called “talent scouts”.

 [Ramon Nav8]Rephrased for better meaning

 [Ramon Nav9]Edited for clarity

 [Ramon Nav10]Added phrase for clarity

 [Ramon Nav11]Be consistent with your examples; in this case, they should all be in plural form

 [Ramon Nav12]Added for better meaning

 [Ramon Nav13]The meaning of “community providers” is unclear; rephrased for better meaning

 [Ramon Nav14]Rephrased to avoid sounding redundant; also for better meaning

 [Ramon Nav15]“Policymaker” is written as one word