中澳移民留学

Young people today tend to find mobile phones and the internet very helpful. However, it is not common for the elderly people to use them. In what ways can mobile phones and the internet be useful to elderly people?How can people be encouraged to use them?

The state-of-the-art technology has revolutionized our lives over the past decades while the elderly, commonly depicted as technophobes, have traditionally been an excluded group in the development of Information and Communication Technologies[p1] . In this essay, I intend to explore what benefits could be brought to the elderly as well as how to stimulate their interests with these new-tech[p2]  products.

One of the most significant advantages of using mobile phones and the Internet among senior citizens is to uplift the sprit their spirits through communicating electronically with family and friends like and catching up with their grandchildren that. By bridging the gap between them the elderly and their family, which makes them feel they will be happier that because they still experience more interactions with others other people.

Moreover, with the assistance of advanced technology, daily grinds routines like money transaction or groceries delivered to door service door-to-door is just one click away, which enables them to manage the handling in the comfort of their homes since mobility is their main concern. A further benefit is the colorful and vibrant retired life brought by technology. Nowadays a vast amount of tutorial videos related to their interests can be accessed on the Internet such as painting, gardening, flower arrangements, cooking or the like, with so using the internet should no longer be a privilege among young people.

On the other hand, the limited knowledge on these digital devices will generate the reluctant engagements reluctance among the elderly people. The most effective approach addressing this problem would be for the government to provide financial incentives for the manufactures manufacturers to design a particular senior-friendly mobile phones and website websites. Another measure could be for the grandchildren who are more acquainted with high-tech gadgets to teach their grandparents to enjoy the pleasure by of using mobile phones and the Internet.

In conclusion, Information and Communication Technologies information and communication technologies can contribute to the improvement of the quality of life of the elderly people. The internet seems is well suite suited to the needs of the elderly, as a fairly sedentary population increasing with considerable leisure time. Given proper instructions and stimulation, the benefits for ‘silver surfers[p3] ’ can be greatly optimized.

Comments:

Hello there! My name is Cris, and I will be your writing tutor for this essay. You did a great job in writing this essay. However, there is always room for improvement so please take note of the following: 

Weak Points:

- Try to use more examples. Reasons are good, but examples are better. They should be both included in the essay. Once you point out a reason, provide an example after; it would be better if the example is from your own experience, or that of your friend’s or family’s. This gives the essay a more personal touch, as well as making the reader feel you can relate to the matter at hand and that the topic is actually important to you.

- Avoid long-winded, lengthy sentences. Try reading it for yourself, out loud. You will run out of breath because you don’t get to pause. It is way, way too long. My advice for lengthy sentences? Cut them off; split them into shorter sentences instead. This way, you let the reader pause, get that person to think and understand what the paragraph is about. Trust me on this, shorter sentences are more effective, and creates a greater impact on the reader. The tendency of reading a longer sentence is that you lose your train of thought, and you forget what you read earlier BECAUSE THE SENTENCE WAS TOO LONG.

Good Points:

- Great job on the use of transitional words and phrases.

- Advanced vocabulary. 

That’s all for now. I am looking forward to reading the next essay from you. Keep writing! J

• Task Response: 6.5

• Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5

• Lexical Resource: 6.5

• Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.0

Revision:

The state-of-the-art technology has revolutionized our lives over the past decades while the elderly, commonly depicted as technophobes, have traditionally been an excluded group in the development of information and communication technologies. In this essay, I intend to explore what benefits could be brought to the elderly as well as how to stimulate their interests with these new tech products.

One of the most significant advantages of using mobile phones and the Internet among senior citizens is to uplift their spirits through communicating electronically with family and friends and catching up with their grandchildren. By bridging the gap between the elderly and their family, they will be happier because they still experience more interactions with other people.

Moreover, with the assistance of advanced technology, daily routines like money transaction or groceries delivered door-to-door is just one click away, which enables them to manage their homes since mobility is their main concern. A further benefit is the colorful and vibrant retired life brought by technology. Nowadays a vast amount of tutorial videos related to their interests can be accessed on the Internet such as painting, gardening, flower arrangements, cooking or the like, with so using the internet should no longer be a privilege among young people.

On the other hand, the limited knowledge on these digital devices will generate reluctance among the elderly people. The most effective approach addressing this problem would be for the government to provide financial incentives for the manufacturers to design a particular senior-friendly mobile phones and websites. Another measure could be for the grandchildren who are more acquainted with high-tech gadgets to teach their grandparents to enjoy the pleasure of using mobile phones and the Internet.

In conclusion, information and communication technologies can contribute to the improvement of the quality of life of the elderly people. The internet is well suited to the needs of the elderly, as a fairly sedentary population with considerable leisure time. Given proper instructions and stimulation, the benefits for ‘silver surfers’ can be greatly optimized.

 [p1]No need to capitalize these since it is a common noun.

 [p2]No need for the dash in between.

 [p3]You are witty! I like this phrase! J