Some people think that all young people should be required to stay full-time education unless they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The significance of education has been recognized by all. However, when it comes to whether people should be required to take compulsory education before 18 years old has triggered heated discussion. From a my personal perspective, I would agree with the practice.[I1]
The requirement of compulsory education before 18 years old – the usual age for students to graduate from high schools, for the general public would benefit both for their future career and lives. To start with, in order to be gain an edge over other people in modern society that featured with fierce competition, one person needs to be fully equipped with necessary knowledge and skill, which can be acquired through at least a secondary schooling certificate. One only needs to search for the job market information to find out that even those manual jobs require the candidate to be at least a high-school graduate [I2] One need not to read job sites to know that undergraduates in this generation finds it hard to land a job. The youth unemployment problem might could be greatly reduced and controlled as a result. Moreover, a reasonable amount of full-time education equips people with correct grateful outlooks In life and moral values, enabling them to pursue rewarding and fulfilling lives. It is fair to say that lacking appropriate education would lead to unsuccessful life, and in some extreme case, even committing crimes.[I3]
Of course, it has to be conceded that there might be some obstacles to consider, in terms of promoting full-time schooling among young people the youth before they turn 18 years old. In some remote and less-developed areas and for some underprivileged families, the practice might be unrealistic. However, the government and schools can take measures to help those students for the sake of their personal and long-term development of society.[I4]
In conclusion, I believe that young people should spend their best years in school gaining knowledge and preparing for their future lives and work.[I5]
aAssessment:
Task Response: the examiner is looking for 4 things: · Answer to all parts of the task (you covered all keywords, both topic key words and goals keywords) · Present a clear position throughout the essay (state your position in the introduction, explain in detail this position in the body, and reiterate this position in the conclusion) · Extend support main ideas/topic sentences (includes language that tell you to support ideas, appropriate tones and viewpoints, and examples from experience) · Write enough words (should be at least 150 for task 1 and 250 for task 2, should not be wordy) | 6.5 Introduction: good introduction, as what I have said in the comments section I have given there tips on how to make a good introduction. Follow that so that it could improve more your band score.
Body: presented the topic clearly, but should have stated more about the government side of it. Good position about the topic and used enough words to cover the task.
Conclusion: as what I have said in the comments you can put more detail in your conclusion, it is the end of your work so there we should find the deepest meaning of your writing.
Useful tips: Try to plan before you write or start your essay give a minute or two to think. Then write down the advantages and disadvantages of topic, to have an idea of the things that you'll write. |
Cohesion and Coherence: the examiner is looking for 3 things: · Paragraphing (has a clear topic sentence or main idea which should be the first sentence; with enough details and examples; with closing sentence) · Logical organization of the essay (main ideas should be progressing meaning one paragraph is linked to the others especially to the central idea or position in the introduction) · Cohesive devices need to be used well (sentences should be linked smoothly to each other, the easiest way to do this is with conjunctive adverbs, but there are better ways like repetition of key phrase/words, synonyms, pronouns, sentence patterns) | 6.5
Plan word groups that go with the topic sentence. Give a good introduction, write 3 to 5 sentences as your intro. Just say what are the things you are going to talk about on your essay. Don’t give out details yet, just main idea.
It is important to plan first, to have a logical essay, not a rumbled jumbled one. Try to picture out everything first to cover the topic well. |
Lexical Resource: the examiner is looking for 4 things: · Range of vocabulary (uses less common words, words used precisely, minimal repeated words, not wordy) · Spelling (frequency of error) · Collocation (word combination makes sense, not just one correct word but a group of correctly related words) · Word families (words are in the correct form, correct parts of speech)
| 6.0
Have time at the end to check your work. Check spelling, punctuation and spacing. Good choice of words, but if the idea of the sentence is not that good, your word choice will not stand out or will lose its value. |
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: the examiner is looking for 4 things: · Accuracy of grammar (how many sentences are error free, what kinds of mistakes were committed, accuracy of simple and complex grammar, ) · Range of grammar (uses more complex structures, sentences are clearly organized) | 6.5
You have very minimal mistakes in grammar, the thing that lacks is the use of more complex structures. Try to see others work for added idea. Good job!~ Practice more. J |
Tips:
*write intelligent sentences
- Do not write sentences which are too obvious, too simple.
- Basic sentences have poor content and thus are boring to read.
Ex: Nowadays everyone like to listen to music.
*ask yourself Who/why/how questions??? To write a good sentence.
Ex: Nowadays everyone likes to listen to music as it offers us entertainment
And relaxation in our busy modern life.
*do not use contractions:
Ex: Don’t, Can’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, isn’t, haven’t, hasn’t…
*Avoid there is/there are
Ex: There are many issues that students face at university. (Poor form)
Students face many issues at the university. (Good sentence)
*Avoid words like; Really, very, a lot, so
Ex: Many students think university is very hard difficult.
*passive vs active voice, always use “active voice”
Ex: Healthcare reforms were implemented by Obama. (Passive)
Obama implemented healthcare reforms. (Active)
*Use strong verbs
Ex: weak verb- He gave assistance to my friend
Objection,investigation, audit (weak verbs)
Strong verb- He assisted my friend
Objected, investigated, audited (strong verbs)
Revision:
The changes you find here are only grammatical and mechanical. Any change in content is for you to incorporate. Ideas set in bold (if any) are the ones that need to be improved, developed or changed.
Edited by: Rain
The significance of education has been recognized by all. However, when it comes to whether people should be required to take compulsory education before 18 years old has triggered heated discussion. From my personal perspective, I would agree with the practice.
The requirement of compulsory education before 18 years old – the usual age for students to graduate from high schools, the general public would benefit both for their future career and lives. To start with, in order to gain an edge over other people in modern society that featured fierce competition, one person needs to be fully equipped with necessary knowledge and skill, which can be acquired through at least a secondary schooling certificate. One need not to read job sites to know that undergraduates in this generation find it hard to land a job. The youth unemployment problem could be greatly reduced and controlled as a result. Moreover, a reasonable amount of full-time education equips people with grateful outlooks In life and moral values, enabling them to pursue rewarding and fulfilling lives. It is fair to say that lacking appropriate education would lead to unsuccessful life, and in some extreme case, even committing crimes.
Of course, it has to be conceded that there might be some obstacles to consider, in terms of promoting full-time schooling among the youth before they turn 18 years old. In some remote and less-developed areas and for some underprivileged families, the practice might be unrealistic. However, the government and schools can take measures to help those students for the sake of their personal and long-term development of society.
In conclusion, I believe that young people should spend their best years in school gaining knowledge and preparing for their future lives and work.
[I1]Good introduction, you have rephrased it someway. You have to use your own words with your essay. A recipe for a good introduction should always include a background of the topic, if the topic has dilemmas point give those out and the proposed solution but not getting into detail about the solutions.
[I2]Word choices.
[I3]good examples, try to think of other terms to use with some simple English terms used.
[I4]You can also state here that the government should help people of low class to make their children go to school. Or you can put it on your conclusion the government has a lot of thing to do in order for these to work.
[I5]Short but concise very good. But sometimes you must make your reader think about something, you have to create a new meaning or idea give your own insights on the topic.
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