中澳移民留学

Some countries achieve international success, building specialized sports facilities for top athletes to train instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Positive or negative?

Enchantment with international competitions and gaining international titles has seen the[wu1] been very popular popularity of international sporting events mounting steadily over[wu2] for the past score of[wu3] years. As a result, So[wu4] a majority of superpowers[wu5] sportsmen have been taking a kaleidoscope of approaches [wu6] to improve their into the improving [wu7] of performances. And[wu8] Personally, the merits of the customization of sports equipment would by and large[wu9] outweigh its demerits.

The benefits of facility enhancementspecialization[wu10] are multifaceted. Initially, this could phenomenally elevate the training performance of an athlete. Evidently, Inin 2008 Olympic Games, American swimmer, Michael Phelps obtained almost all the pool related medals. Expect[wu11] Except for his aptitudes, as experts havehas discovered that his streamlined tailor-made swimwear has also facilitated this swimming prodigy to slice a few seconds off his rivals, given that this specialized swimming suit that[wu12] mimics the bionic features of a shark, which reduces 20% more detrimental water resistance. And[wu13] Other countries including Australia have replicated this cutting-edge facility and caught up[wu14] in subsequent international events.

An alternative to this notion of performance progression is to see the customization of sports gears used by as the safety guarantee of[wu15] athletes. AsSince humans humanity[wu16] are born with various varied[wu17] gifts and at the same time[wu18] shortcomings, standardized training facilities are sometimes not only unhelpful but even physically hazardous. Considering that most competitive games are of greater danger,of getting injured,[wu19] safety is the of top priorityof anto athlete, especially the top athletes like Shark Oneal,athe former NBA legend Hall[wu20] basketball player. WhileSharkUnfortunately, he terminated his sporting career duemany thanks[wu21] to his fragile toe. Since Shark is 7 foot tall and weighswith nearly 260 pounds, poundinweight,and his basketball shoes failed to provide enough cushion to minimize the shock his lower body was supposed to endure. It is a tragedyinstead of sporting career of Shark that could have been preliminarily terminated,Ifadequate attentionhad onlybeen given to the customization of his sports shoes, his basketball career would have not ended too soon. [wu22] 

Admittedly, thisequipment enhancement personalizationwould substantiallyis beneficial and worth investing. amplify the research and production investment. ButI believe this is the price worth-paid and would holistically breed more beneficial than pernicious fruits.[wu23] 

Hi, this is Tin your writing tutor.

You weren’t able to fully meet the requirements of the task. I appreciate that you were able to give examples but it did not really answered the question.

One of the main problems that I noticed on your essay is how you construct your sentences. You need to reorganize your thoughts so you can write a better composition. Choosing the right word will really help you a lot. Avoid using words which are out of context. It will be best to have your dictionary with you whenever you are reading or writing. It will help you a lot in knowing the meaning of words and will give you an idea on how to use it in a sentence. Try to explore terminologies that are used to say exactly what you mean so you do not have to give long descriptions.

It will also be best if you can avoid your redundancies and wordiness. If you can explore appropriate terms, your rating is surely to improve.

I suggest you read more English books or articles to give you more ideas about writing. It will definitely help you widen your vocabulary and will help you with your sentence construction.

Good luck! J

ASSESSMENT:

Task Achievement: 4

Coherence and Cohesion:4.5

Lexical Resource: 5

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4.5

Note: The changes you find here are only grammatical and mechanical. Any change in content is for you to incorporate.

EDITED VERSION:

Enchantment with international competitions and gaining international titles has been very popular for the past years. As a result, a majority of sportsmen have been taking kaleidoscope approaches to improve their performances. Personally, the merits of the customization of sports equipment outweigh its demerits.

The benefits of facility enhancement are multifaceted. Initially, this could phenomenally elevate the training performance of an athlete. Evidently, in 2008 Olympic Games, American swimmer, Michael Phelps obtained almost all the pool related medals. Except for his aptitudes, experts have discovered that his streamlined tailor-made swimwear has also facilitated this swimming prodigy to slice a few seconds off his rivals, given that this specialized swimming suit mimics the bionic features of a shark, which reduces 20% more detrimental water resistance. Other countries including Australia have replicated this cutting-edge facility in subsequent international events.

An alternative to this notion of performance progression is the customization of sports gears used by athletes. Since humans are born with various gifts and shortcomings, standardized training facilities are sometimes not only unhelpful but even physically hazardous. Considering that most competitive games are of great danger, safety is the top priority of an athlete, especially top athletes like Shark Oneal,a former NBA basketball player. Unfortunately, he terminated his sport career due to his fragile toe. Since Shark is 7 foot tall and weighs nearly 260 pounds, his basketball shoes failed to provide enough cushion to minimize the shock his lower body was supposed to endure. If adequate attention had only been given to the customization of his sports shoes, his basketball career would have not ended too soon. 

Admittedly, equipment enhancement is beneficial and worth investing.

 [wu1]Not applicable.

 [wu2]Avoid wordiness and redundancy.

 [wu3]Not necessary.

 [wu4]As a result is a more appropriate word to use. Do not start your sentence with so.

 [wu5]Use words according to its proper context. I believe you mean sportsmen or athletes.

 [wu6]The use of the article a implies a singular form. Ex: a kaleidoscope approach

 [wu7]Use simple present.

 [wu8]Do not start your sentence with and.

 [wu9]Not applicable.

 [wu10]Use words according to its proper context. Enhancement is a more appropriate word to use.

 [wu11]Use words according to its proper context. Except is a more appropriate word to use.

 [wu12]Not necessary.

 [wu13]Do not start your sentence with and.

 [wu14]Not applicable.

 [wu15]Not necessary.

 [wu16]Humans is a more appropriate word to use.

 [wu17]Various is a more appropriate word to use.

 [wu18]Not necessary.

 [wu19]Not necessary.

 [wu20]Not necessary.

 [wu21]Due is a more appropriate word to use.

 [wu22]Organize your thoughts to create better and more understandable sentences.

 [wu23]Be more direct to the point to avoid wordiness. Use words according to its proper context.