On-line shopping is replacing shopping in stores. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
The burgeoning e-commerce has triggered the debate argument [I1] whether it is a blessing or a curse. In my own opinion, the benefit it brings to the general public outweighs the drawbacks.
Both the consumers and retailers can gain profits from online businesses. Online shoppers are amazed about the fact that the prices of many items sold online are much cheaper than the same products sold in stores due to lower cost of online stores boutiques[I2] . Moreover, it saves them shoppers [I3] precious time, which can be wasted on traveling to and from stores and browsing in shops the department store. Online shop owners are also beneficiaries of e-commerce as they now boast a broader customer base, whereas stores in shopping malls only have limited clients from the neighborhood. A case in point is the recent online shopping festival in China that has generated several billions of in revenues.
It has to be conceded that online shopping also has its downsides. To start with, online shoppers are likely to fall prey to online fraud and crime once their banking details are being hacked. Moreover, the proliferating e-commerce will exacerbate people’s over-reliance on the internet, which can bring potential physical and emotional hazards to those internet addicts. However, these problems can be avoided with the heightened awareness of online shoppers[I4] .
In conclusion, without having to say that stores and shopping malls are not necessary, online shopping will become an irreversible trend for its inborn advantages. [I5]
aAssessment:
Task Response: the examiner is looking for 4 things: · Answer to all parts of the task (you covered all keywords, both topic key words and goals keywords) · Present a clear position throughout the essay (state your position in the introduction, explain in detail this position in the body, and reiterate this position in the conclusion) · Extend support main ideas/topic sentences (includes language that tell you to support ideas, appropriate tones and viewpoints, and examples from experience) · Write enough words (should be at least 150 for task 1 and 250 for task 2, should not be wordy) | 7.0 Introduction: you have pointed out the topic very clearly, good choice of words and good construction.
Body: you gave out numbers of details that support your conclusion and that is good, the detail of your essay says it all.
Conclusion: very good conclusion, but as I have told on the comments section, try to explain in detail or further what you mean by that. Useful tips: Try to plan before you write or start your essay give a minute or two to think. Then write down the advantages and disadvantages of topic, to have an idea of the things that you'll write. |
Cohesion and Coherence: the examiner is looking for 3 things: · Paragraphing (has a clear topic sentence or main idea which should be the first sentence; with enough details and examples; with closing sentence) · Logical organization of the essay (main ideas should be progressing meaning one paragraph is linked to the others especially to the central idea or position in the introduction) · Cohesive devices need to be used well (sentences should be linked smoothly to each other, the easiest way to do this is with conjunctive adverbs, but there are better ways like repetition of key phrase/words, synonyms, pronouns, sentence patterns) | 7.0
Made a clear statement about the topic, presented the idea very well with the use of complex words. Sentences run smoothly with one another.
Tips: Plan word groups that go with the topic sentence. Give a good introduction, write 3 to 5 sentences as your intro. Just say what are the things you are going to talk about on your essay. Don’t give out details yet, just main idea.
It is important to plan first, to have a logical essay, not a rumbled jumbled one. Try to picture out everything first to cover the topic well. |
Lexical Resource: the examiner is looking for 4 things: · Range of vocabulary (uses less common words, words used precisely, minimal repeated words, not wordy) · Spelling (frequency of error) · Collocation (word combination makes sense, not just one correct word but a group of correctly related words) · Word families (words are in the correct form, correct parts of speech)
| 7.0
Good range of vocabulary, collocation and word combination.
Tips: Have time at the end to check your work. Check spelling, punctuation and spacing. Good choice of words, but if the idea of the sentence is not that good, your word choice will not stand out or will lose its value. |
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: the examiner is looking for 4 things: · Accuracy of grammar (how many sentences are error free, what kinds of mistakes were committed, accuracy of simple and complex grammar, ) · Range of grammar (uses more complex structures, sentences are clearly organized) | 7.0
You have very minimal mistakes in grammar, the thing that lacks is the use of more complex structures. Good job!~ Practice more. J |
Tips:
*write intelligent sentences
- Do not write sentences which are too obvious, too simple.
- Basic sentences have poor content and thus are boring to read.
Ex: Nowadays everyone like to listen to music.
*ask yourself Who/why/how questions??? To write a good sentence.
Ex: Nowadays everyone likes to listen to music as it offers us entertainment
And relaxation in our busy modern life.
*do not use contractions:
Ex: Don’t, Can’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, isn’t, haven’t, hasn’t…
*Avoid there is/there are
Ex: There are many issues that students face at university. (Poor form)
Students face many issues at the university. (Good sentence)
*Avoid words like; Really, very, a lot, so
Ex: Many students think university is very hard difficult.
*passive vs active voice, always use “active voice”
Ex: Healthcare reforms were implemented by Obama. (Passive)
Obama implemented healthcare reforms. (Active)
*Use strong verbs
Ex: weak verb- He gave assistance to my friend
Objection,investigation, audit (weak verbs)
Strong verb- He assisted my friend
Objected, investigated, audited (strong verbs)
Revision:
The changes you find here are only grammatical and mechanical. Any change in content is for you to incorporate. Ideas set in bold (if any) are the ones that need to be improved, developed or changed.
Edited by: Rain
The burgeoning e-commerce has triggered the argument whether it is a blessing or a curse. In my own opinion, the benefit it brings to the general public outweighs the drawbacks.
Both the consumers and retailers can gain profits from online businesses. Online shoppers are amazed about the fact that the prices of many items sold online are much cheaper than the same products sold in stores due to lower cost of online boutiques. Moreover, it saves shoppers precious time, which can be wasted on traveling to and from stores and browsing in the department store. Online shop owners are also beneficiaries of e-commerce as they now boast a broader customer base, whereas stores in shopping malls only have limited clients from the neighborhood. A case in point is the recent online shopping festival in China that has generated several billions in revenues.
It has to be conceded that online shopping also has its downsides. To start with, online shoppers are likely to fall prey to online fraud and crime once their banking details are being hacked. Moreover, the proliferating e-commerce will exacerbate people’s over-reliance on the internet, which can bring potential physical and emotional hazards to those internet addicts. However, these problems can be avoided with the heightened awareness of online shoppers.
In conclusion, without having to say that stores and shopping malls are not necessary, online shopping will become an irreversible trend for its inborn advantages.
[I1]Good introduction, short but concise. I just gave you a sample of terms that can be used in exchange for debate.
[I2]Good example, good choice of words, minimal mistakes, but none would be better. J - I just gave you an example again of other term of shop.
[I3]Its better to say soppers rather than use them of their.
[I4]Good choice of words, keep it up.
[I5]I want to read more about this inborn advantages. Its seem incomplete.
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