28
2015
10

他是一个才子,但是老师给他雅思不到7分,我也是醉了,他的真实雅思水平是9分,一点不夸张的说

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Topic 1: choosing a suitable career is a problem that faces many young people. What are the

reasons? What suggestion would you give to them to help them make the right decision?

 

Every year as 20-somethings leave their college campuses and enter the professional workforce, they must cope with the same challenges[KZ1] . [KZ2] 

 

Although a diploma has equipped young people with the technical and intellectual tools, choosing a career is probably as overwhelming as choosing a major is. For some who are trained in a highly specialized field such as maths math and science, starting a career could mean an entry-level position in an industry related to their studies. For some others, choosing a career is not isn't necessarily easy. Students who majored in the humanities for example, might not find a position that is directly linked with their academic training. They might have to re-evaluate their skill sets and edit their résumés resumes to highlight the applicability of their diplomas. [KZ3] 

 

However difficult the job search is, there are some general guidelines for everyone. First, young people should be open to jobs in all fields. They should not limit their search on by their own majors, or nor should they a quickly dismiss a job position because it has nothing to do with their degrees. Like trying on shoes, you would never know if the shoe fits unless you try it on.

 

Furthermore, Second, a career takes time to plan and strategize. A young person might have to make some compromises in the short term to reach their ultimate goal. For example, an art history graduate wants to be the career of a curator, but finds only administrative positions or internships open at the moment. The advice is to take the position and gradually make a transition to their "dream job". The experience is not only a meaningful addition to one's resume, but also an opportunity to familiarize oneself with all aspects of the industry.

 

Lastly, young people should keep in mind that there are always jobs that have not been created yet. Blogging and freelancing were once unimaginable to job seekers in the past[KZ4] . The rapid transformations brought about by technology mean that there are always ways to build a career, if you are creative enough.

 

Hi, how are you?

 

This essay has a good vocabulary set and an almost clean grammar. However, it is lacking a thesis statement and a clear conclusion. Please take note that these two are essential. Also, the first question was not fully addressed. Take note of the comment on the side.

 

At the end of this document, I have samples of essay of the same nature. Observe how the introduction and conclusions were written.

 

6.25

ßOVERALL BAND

5

TASK RESPONSE/TASK   ACHIEVEMENT

·           There is no thesis statement

·           There is no clear conclusion

·           The task is partially answered

7

COHERENCE & COHESION

·           There is reasonable grouping of ideas

·           Transition is somewhat smooth

·           There are some slips in referencing

7

LEXICAL RESOURCE

·           There is adequate vocabulary

·           There is a slip in redundancy

7

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND   ACCURACY

·           There is a mix of structure

·           There is frequent error-free sentences

REVISED VERSION

The changes you find here are only grammatical and mechanical. Any   change in content is for you to incorporate. Ideas set in bold (if any) are   the ones that need to be improved, developed, or changed.

 

Every year as 20-somethings leave their college campuses and enter the professional workforce, they must cope with the same challenges.

 

Although a diploma has equipped young people with the technical and intellectual tools, choosing a career is probably as overwhelming as choosing a major is. For some who are trained in a highly specialized field such as math and science, starting a career could mean an entry-level position in an industry related to their studies. For some others, choosing a career is not necessarily easy. Students who majored in the humanities for example, might not find a position that is directly linked with their academic training. They might have to re-evaluate their skill sets and edit their resumes to highlight the applicability of their diplomas.

 

However difficult the job search is, there are some general guidelines for everyone. First, young people should be open to jobs in all fields. They should not limit their search on their majors nor should they a quickly dismiss a job position because it has nothing to do with their degrees. Like trying on shoes, you would never know if the shoe fits unless you try it on.

 

Furthermore, a career takes time to plan and strategize. A young person might have to make some compromises in the short term to reach their ultimate goal. For example, an art history graduate wants to be a curator, but finds only administrative positions or internships open at the moment. The advice is to take the position and gradually make a transition to their "dream job". The experience is not only a meaningful addition to one's resume, but also an opportunity to familiarize oneself with all aspects of the industry.

 

Lastly, young people should keep in mind that there are always jobs that have not been created yet. Blogging and freelancing were once unimaginable to job seekers. The rapid transformations brought about by technology mean that there are always ways to build a career, if you are creative enough.

 

Good luck!

 

Tip for the day

 

Children are often pressure. What are the reasons? How can we solve this?

 

 

[hook] Pressure nowadays is no longer unique to adults for even children experience such. [elaborate] There is pressure in school, in relationships, and even in ownership of things. [answer to question 1] Such pressure is evidently brought about by children’s desire to be accepted by their friends and to have a brighter future, [answer to question 2] and could therefore be diminished if children are taught the value of contentment.

 

[topic sentence] Everyone would want to fit in and later have a good future, even adults. [detail] But the pressure is stronger for children since, unlike adults who already have qualifications to prove their worth, children are still finding their place in society at present and their possible careers in the future. [example] To be accepted by society, they tend to give in to what their peers ask of them even it if it against their morals. [example]Furthermore, to be a productive member of society in the future, children are forced to do excellently in school, thereby setting aside their childish needs. [example] Finally, commercialism and the introduction of too many luxurious goods in the market add even more pressure as children would naturally want to own things that their friends have. [closing]Thus, pressure among children is brought about by their utmost desire to be accepted and to fit in their present and future social circles.

 

[topic sentence] Yet, children only get the idea that they have to fit in and design a better future because this is what their family and other people of society are telling them to do. [detail] If these children are taught to be contented with what they have, then commercial pressure would be eliminated. [detail]  If they are taught how to develop their own personality, then they don’t have to give in to social pressure. Finally, [detail] if they are taught how to enjoy learning, and not how it is useful in the future, then they would be more relaxed when studying. [closing]Pressure in children is easily resolved if adults set good examples.

 

In the end, since it is the adults who have set too high expectations on children, it is only them who can eliminate the pressure. Children are in the stage of exploration and fun; thus, pressure is not something that they should be experiencing.

Children find it difficult to concentrate on or pay attention to school. What are the reasons? How can we solve this problem?

 

Concentration is very important in studying, but nowadays, with the many technologies that children are exposed to, paying attention in school is becoming even more difficult. To resolve such issues, childrens use of technology should be moderated.

 

The internet, mobile phones, and other gadgetries are distractions to studying. Such technologies have captured children attention so much that they spend hours using it. A few of the nieces and nephews spend hours chatting online, some are always fidgeting with their mobile phones, most of them almost deprive themselves of sleep just to play the Xbox. So much is their exposure that even the time they need for studying is consumed. They fail to do their homework, and worse, the sleep in class. One of my nephews, who is a straight A student, recently lost his post in the honor roll as he suddenly became addicted to the Xbox and theres nothing much he talk about apart from it. His school performance has been greatly affected as his attention slowly diverted from studying to playing.

 

Yet, such issue is not difficult to address. Parents will just have to moderate childrens use of technology, while teachers could be more creative and help students use such technologies in a more educationally beneficial manner. For one, this nephew of mine whose name was dropped from the honor roll have parents who are too busy to even take notice of him. Thus, there is no one in their home to actually call his attention and so he does as he pleases. If his parents could take time to talk with him then they could come to an agreement to balance studying and playing. Meanwhile, teachers could probably stop addressing technology as nuances; instead, they ought to encourage students to use such technology more particularly to gain knowledge, like the internet for research, and android phones for educational applications like language applications and e-books. Games on Xbox, on the other hand, could be promoted as a way to enhance critical thinking and strategic problem solving.

 

In the end, technology, though a definite distraction from studying, could be otherwise helpful and seen from a different perspective. Parents will have to take time in dealing with their childrens moderation of technological use while teachers reinforce positive side of such technologies. In this manner, children will still get to do what they enjoy without having to lose focus on their studies.

 

 

 

 


 [KZ1]What challenges?

 [KZ2]When writing an introduction, always include a short answer to the task questions.

 [KZ3]You have describe the problem faced by graduates. But you still haven’t answered the question: what are the reasons why people are faced with problems in choosing suitable careers?

 [KZ4]Redundant to ‘once’


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